Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

A new year ...

Due to the whole Livejournal financial crisis thing going on I have decided to go back and edit my journal so I can download and get it printed by lulu.com to keep for future perusal.

I went back five years to when I started posting here and fixed broken links, deleted random quiz posts, and spent a little time reading what I had to say. I was actually surprised to find out how HAPPY I sounded back then. Realistically I know that those years in school were some of the hardest, most draining I will ever have (hopefully!) but still, my posts were often full of fun, sarcasm, wit, and hope.

I was talking with Bill on the phone yesterday and I told him that I think that is the major difference between who I was and who I am now - hope. I had a lot of aspirations as to where I was going and where I expected to be in a handful of years. I truly thought that once I had a fulltime job that I wouldn't have to worry as much about electricity being turned off or affording groceries. Yet here I am ... still cringing every time I get the mail. The difference between then and now is that there is no future to cling onto with hope in thoughts that it will change.

Also, I really thought that by now I would be in some sort of relationship. I am not foolish enough to equate any personal value to being or not being in a relationship but it is hard being at this point in my life and not having any prospects for that future. It would be easier if, like in sitcoms, I was surrounded by comrades that were similarly afflicted and we shared these thoughts over coffee at the local dive ... but most of my friends are engaged, married, or in long time committed relationships. When they go down those paths their priorities change, as they should, and they become a "we". This is a daunting change when you are alone and surrounded by couples. You realize that you can't just stop by their apartment unannounced or expect them to drop everything and go to a movie with you ... they have to check with their other half and you might just end of a third wheel if they do accept. But I digress ...

Basically, I am near enough to where I was five years ago when I know so many people that have moved way beyond that part of their life.

However, even as I write this I realize I should give myself some serious kudos in terms of professional status and personal experiences (traveling and education). Also, though I am in serious debt, all my credit cards are cancelled and I been working on a clear and achievable plan on how to pay them off within the next few years. It is just that I am almost 30 ... I really thought things would be different by now.


Well, I can't do anything big about the financial thing (I was due a nice raise at work but all those were thrown out the window for the next year pending the economy) and I refuse to make this next year about "looking for a man" - if I am meant to be in a relationship then I will find the right guy (even though I might still whine about it if I am destined to be an old maid).

I think I will make my new year about doing something for myself. Some of the things I read about that made me happy were little things like writing fun stuff, going to the dog park, and basically spending time doing silly things. I need more silly things in my life.

There is a quote I read a long time ago that said “boredom is an insult to oneself”. I think I am going to try to enjoy my company again. Instead of focusing on all the things that didn’t turn out how I wanted them to and stressing over all the fallibilities at work … I am going to try to be a bit Pollyannaish in my approach. I am also going to attempt to spend less time at work – if I go in at 8am then I am going to try to be walking out at 4pm (especially on the days I eat lunch at my desk!).

I am the one in control of my happiness and I need to grasp that. I am going to try to spend more time around the people who bring that out in me too. I need to move away from relationships that aren’t healthy for me and embrace those that make me laugh. I am going to try being a little more selfish and a little less serious.

We will see how this all goes …


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 8th, 2009 09:14 pm (UTC)
I'm so paranoid. Am I unhealthy for you?!
Jan. 8th, 2009 09:19 pm (UTC)
Sounds like pretty good plans to me. I definitely wish I could be as idealistic and optimistic as I was in college, but this adult thing destroys that quickly. I guess I'm hoping I have something to look forward to, but not really feeling that I do. Have a great 2009. Let's hope your goals happen.
Jan. 10th, 2009 08:01 pm (UTC)
the whole thing about a man....
it really isn't as great as it sounds. I would love to be able to afford my own apt, have a dog and have a job. Those are all my goals. If I could trade him in for those.... nine times out of ten, I would
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

Latest Month

October 2010
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Teresa Jones