Mulberryfarms.com is a website that caries lots of live "feeder" insects (insects that you feed to other animals). We use it at my workplace to order hornworms, silkworms, and mealworms. They recently updated their website so that now you can have a permanent profile that keeps all of your information. The new site is great - it looks very professional.

However, upon submitting my profile I get an email that tells about all the features and includes the below:

Address Book - We can now deliver your products to another address other than yours! This is perfect to send birthday gifts direct to the birthday-person themselves.

Right ... silkworms - the gift for the person who has everything. It is like the DIY wineries they sell in Target ... just much more advanced!

I am always astounded that I ended up living in a tourist city because while working at various shows I would harp on and on about “tourist time” and how, in general, humans in large numbers can aggravate the hell out me. I have the pedestrian version of road rage and can’t stand people who aren’t looking where they are going. This combination of issues isn’t a good thing to walk into a craft show with. Every time I leave the booth to use the restroom or search for food I come back with a grim look on my face and many a snide comment bouncing around in my head.

Also, when selling inspirational ornaments you can only have so many people ask you to draw a frog, snoopy, or Winnie the pooh before wanting to drop the smile and ask them if they are really just that stupid.

However, even with all of that drama going on - working at shows like these does something so wonderful to my heart that I keep coming back for more. Every once and a while you get a customer that makes you feel like what you do really means something to them. Sadly, more often then not, the more poignant ones are related to tragedy and thus the memorial ornaments.

Some of my more memorable moments:

• This past show I had a mother who had been coming to the craft show for over five years with her ailing daughter. The daughter had been fighting cancer for several years and bought an ornament each year to signify her life and continued fight. She left all the ornaments out around her bedroom year round. This past June she passed away and while at the hospital told her mother that she wanted her to buy her a memorial ornament from us. The mother told me all this with glassy eyes and showed me a beautiful picture of her 25 year old daughter laughing. It is often harder for me to keep it together when the person I am talking to isn’t crying ... I know that sounds odd but sometimes that makes the pain more present on their face.
• I had another woman come by who bought a memorial ornament for her father who had passed away 6 days earlier. While buying a stand for the ornament she shared with me about him and how close they had been. I asked if it was a surprise or had they been expecting it – she told me that it was a surprise. She then told me that in the past two years she lost both of her sons as well – one to cancer and another to a gunshot wound. She said that she now had no men left in her family and was depending on her faith in God to go on. I honestly didn’t know what to say to her ... how to comfort her. I had nothing in personal life experience (thankfully) to even slightly grasp what she must be going through.
• One from my past that will always stay with me is a customer who called our business a couple of months after Christmas. Their father had bought ornament from us and personalized it to them. It was wrapped under the tree when he died in a car accident before Christmas. I don’t know what the ornament said to the daughter but it must have given them comfort – they kept it out next to their bed since opening it. The problem was that it had gotten broken and they desperately wanted it replaced. My mother sent them a personalized replacement and told me what happened. I was doubly shocked that something I did – and probably at the time gave no more thought to than making sure my lines were straight – meant so much to someone. I also was struck by the fact that this man passed through my life not too long before his ended. It is an eerie thing to have such a strong impact without being at all aware.

We sell a lot more engagement, just married, expecting, and babies first ornaments then any others (like the memorials) - so the stories aren't always depressing. Yet, I remember the other ones that I had to blink around my tears to do more. Sadly - joy can get generic after a point. I assume that many of the ornaments we sell will find a special place in a memory box or on a mantle ... and surely others will go straight to eBay.It is hard for me to wrap my head around but it is such an amazing thing to be a part of. Mom jokes that I have “gypsy blood” now because I have trouble walking away from all of it. I have to agree. I will honestly be sad if (or more likely when) I come to a point where it is no longer a part of my life.

For now I will enjoy it and take away the lessons that everyone has to teach me – through both their joy and pain.

As I grow to understand life less and less, I learn to live it more and more

~ Jules Renard ~

Livejournal's question of the week: Are you happy at your current job? Do you think there's such a thing as a dream job? What do you hope to be doing five or ten years from now? Are you working towards that goal?

Contrary to how I behave at times - I love my job. I love working in a museum, I adore working with animals, and I feel privileged to work with the people that I do. I would never - I mean NEVER - have thought that I would ever move down to New Orleans. I still find myself astounded that I live here. Yet I think that it was a good move at the right time for me. In this economy I feel lucky to have a job - let alone a job in my particularly small field. I do wish I got paid enough to pay all my bills and put a little aside for recreation but that (hopefully) will come in time.

I don't plan on leaving in the foreseeable future ... but I don't rule anything out (remember what I thought about my even being here?). I am just going to let this path take me wherever I need to go. I hope there is more adventure in store for me ... as much as I consider myself someone who stays loyal to jobs until forced into a change I can't help but hope that something will come up. I already miss traveling. I really want to leave the country for a spell in the near future. I dream of dropping everything and getting a job in some remote research station in Africa but two things stop me: I don't really have any skill set that could get me a job there and, as much as I yearn for adventure, I need stability and the idea of leaving all professional safety nets behind me freaks me out. So there isn't any location that could shock me more in the next 5 or ten years (except maybe New York ... *shudder*).

My dream job would be where someone pays me to go out and travel from one exotic location to another. I suppose I would like to be a writer or reviewer of travel agencies and locations ... but for that to be possible I would have to have some aptitude with the written language. Unfortunately my biggest skills during school fell in math ... and I didn't even have the fortitude to pursue that for long.

As for goals ... well I am just trying to learn to be happy in the moment. My plans never pan out so I might as well enjoy the ride and pursue as many side trips as possible. I do have a few things I would like to make happen but I hesitate to make them goals because I don't like looking at anything as a failure. Even when nothing turns out the way I expect I don't want to be unhappy with it - I simply want to embrace it and find the joy in the moment. For example, I would have thought you crazy if you told me ten years ago that I wouldn't be a professor at an NC university but rather working as a manager at a bug museum in New Orleans ... but I am loving it and that is all that matters!

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

~ William Allen White ~

So this week Tuesday and Wednesday were my "weekend".

Yesterday ... wouldn't be what a normal person would classify as "fan-tabulous". It was my official day of doctors. I decided that now since I am covered by insurance I officially have no excuse for not having a "primary physician". I have had ear and eye doctors and even was on a nearly first name basis with a clinic for a while (ah, gall bladder - how I don't miss you!) but I have never gone to the doctor when nothing was wrong with me.

First, I went to the general doctor. I can say with pride and a smile that I didn't handle it well. She was a great lady and I am thrilled with her but I was abnormally nervous and didn't enjoy the procedures that took place. I had to get the "girl" stuff done and that led to uncomfortable conversations about my past. She was really patient with me and I am sure it is already one of those things that I am looking back at and laughing about but at the time I was certainly not laughing. She is also sending my blood through a crap-ton of tests to make sure everything is alright. There is a metabolic disorder that she thinks I have that would explain my trouble with acne and my issues with weight ... personally I would love it if a pill solved all those problems but I am of the opinion that it is simply a matter of changing my habits.

My doctor suggested that I see a dermatologist as soon as possible because of my family history of skin cancer and personal history of burns and uber sensitive skin. I was lucky enough that there was a cancellation later that day with a doctor in the same building so I almost went directly there. I told them about my extremely mild eczema, slight fear of skin cancer, and frustrating issues with acne. They were really sweet and the doctor told me the really big long name for the eczema that she thinks I have (but didn't give me anything for it ... something I hope to remedy in the near future). The acne conversation was really interesting - she brought up the same metabolic disorder and said that she wanted the results that Dr. Godbey got. Also, she gave me some lotion and an antibiotic that she is hoping will help clear me up. I am also planning on talking with her about isolaz in the future.

I can't say that Tuesday was fun ... but I am utterly relieved to have it behind me and LOVE the fact that I got it all done and put things into motion! I admit I felt totally and completely violated because I am not the type of person that likes to be touched by people I know well, while fully clothed ... so the things doctors do is well out of my comfort zone. However, the logical science major in me knows the value of information and is content.

Today - was the complete opposite. I only went out to get the mail. The rest of the day was spent cleaning and reading. I got my downstairs all tidy and put a big dent in organizing my library in my bedroom. There is something about a clean house that makes me feel so very much better inside. I am also really enjoying a new author, Jocelynn Drake, and finished the first book in her new series Nightwalker (Dark Days, #1). So today was a VERY good day!

Overall, I accomplished more than I would have dreamed the last couple of days (including a lot of slackish reading) and I am ready to go back and tackle work! That should be what weekends are about!

I would not exchange my leisure hours for all the wealth in the world.

~ Edgar A. Shoaff ~

Also - I haven't shared a song in a long time. I really thought this one was cute and I could see it making Elizabeth smile considering the mood she has been in lately so here you go --Perfectly Perfect by Elizabeth & The Catapult ...... ENJOY!

Less than six months ago I didn't own a single tarantula ... now I own eleven. Ann Van, a coworker of mine, said that I was like a cat lady - only creepier (though she now owns a chilean rose hair named "Willie G").

My first introduction into tarantula ownership came as a bit of a rush. I had gone home to visit Bill and my other friends in Raleigh and while there asked if I could have some of the curly hairs we had been raising before I left. I took three just in case I happened to get a male. Then Andy offered me some salmon pink babies that he had just gotten - I took six of those but gave three to the IRF to raise for the Insectarium. So almost directly after my 29th birthday I was the proud owner of six tarantulas.

Then in July I went to the SASI convention in Arizona and collected lots of creepy crawlies (which is why I also own a scorpion and centipede as a pet also). While there I found a dead tarantula at a rest area and figured I would take it home to pin it out as a souvenir. A curator at the convention found out I had it and asked if he could take it for research - I figured that research trumps personal collection so I told him he could have it. In a show of gratitude he gave me two baby Sun Tigers ... that took me to eight.

At the end of the SASI convention there was an auction that included a gift certificate to krazy8sinvertebrates.com. I went ahead and bid about half the gift certificates worth during the last few minutes of the auction and - surprise! - won. I decided to order a small collection from his website and also invited several coworkers to tack on their own orders to save on shipping. I ended up getting a Chilean rose hair, Brazilian black, and Chaco gold knee. Thus I am eleven!

What is even more special is that after all of this I still want a couple more. In particular I really want an Usambara baboon. They are supposedly very hard to kill, pretty, and mean as hell. The nickname in the trade for them is OBT (orange bitey thing). I realize that I would never try to hold or interact with it but I have been told that they have strong personalities and interesting behaviors.

Upon receiving the most recent additions to my menagerie I have gone on a mission to name all of my pets because it seems wrong to have so many and no way to refer to them as individuals.
Over the past few days I have come up with these but they aren't set in stone yet (I have also added links to pictures that show what they should look like when they are adults):

The three Honduran curly hairs:

These little ones already have distinct personalities. Two are aggressive eaters - one of which is getting large very fast (likely a male). While the last generally doesn't eat right away and won't take on big meals. These are the names I chose for them:
• Harley - for the big one who is likely a male. It means "rocky meadow" but I originally picked it out a long while ago for no particular reason. I would change it but I have been referring to this individual by that name for months now and it seems wrong to change it up.
• Aerona - the name of a Celtic goddess of war and death who was portrayed as a masculine figure in Welsh mythology. It means "carnage" or "slaughter." This is for the other, smaller individual who is such an aggressive eater.
• Pandora - every one knows the history behind this name. It just seems to fit the smaller more timid little girl.

The three Salmon pink tarantulas:

These girls are great eaters and just as cute as little buttons. They grow to be contenders for the biggest tarantulas (their species is the second or third largest with leg spans over 8 inches). Right now though they are living off of crickets that I am killing for them and are small enough to fit on a quarter. For their names I am considering the Furies (or Erinýes) from mythology. They are referred to in the Iliad as "those who beneath the earth punish whosoever has sworn a false oath." There are three that are given names in the Iliad and so I chose them for my little triplets:
• Megaira - meaning "grudge"
• Alecto - meaning "unceasing"
• Tisiphone - meaning "murder-retribution"

The two Venezuelan suntigers:

These two are the cutest little things right now. I don't see myself handling them much when they get bigger - they are famous for being unpredictable in temperament and I don't really want to hurt them nor get hurt myself.
• Khan - Becky (the person who got me really interested in tarantulas in the first place) wanted a tiger before she had to leave and move to Colorado. She said that if she had one she would name it Shere Khan and thus I named one in her honor. I am just calling it Khan though because it fits better with its sibling's name that way.
• Kissa - it means "sister of twins" and I thought it was perfect. Of the two I am naming the more timid one this.

The Chilean rose hair:

It was our Chilean rose hair named Harriet that won me over for the eight legged kind. When I worked at my previous museum I never really handled any of them (mostly because ours were wild caught, flighty, bitey, and aggressive) but I took a leap of faith when working presentations here. Harriet will take away any reservations that you might have because she is perhaps one of the most relaxed and laziest arachnids I have ever encountered. She has a habit of falling asleep when I am holding her which either results in her drooling on me (yep - they drool) or, if she chose to sit on my arm, she will start to slowly slide off in a comical manner until waking and walking back to a level spot to perch. How could I be intimidated? So now I have my very own to raise from a babe. All that being said you can likely understand that I wasn't going to pick out a name that meant "carnage" or "killer" for her. I decided to call her Arrosa which is a Basque name meaning "rose." Hopefully she will be as sweet as Harriet once she is full grown.

The Brazilian black:

We supposedly own one of these glorious animals at the IRF but I have never seen it. They are said to be a "perfect pet" tarantula because they are docile, active, and beautiful. When I opened the container that mine had been shipped in they shot out and ran across my hand, falling into the container I had prepared. Thus she was named Spaz ...

The Chaco golden knee:

This beautiful little girl was the oldest of the three that I just bought. She is supposed to get rather large but stay very docile. I fell in love the moment I saw her! We named her Tidbit. I say "we" because it was a unanimous decision of the staff involved. Apparently while I was off on Thursday or Friday my package containing the spiders came in. The guards at base called for me over the radio but grossly mispronounced my last name - asking for "Lauren Tidbit". Ann Van made an executive decision and declared that "Tidbit" was officially my new nickname. We both decided that it made a great name for a tarantula if, for no other reason, to commemorate the event.

So yes - I am a tarantula collector now. I already am making plans on buying more after Christmas (I know enough to step back and take a moment before getting in over my head). However, I promise not to turn into one of those people that converts their garage into a pet room with racks of snakes, spiders, and scorpions ... I think I will stick to a walk in closet or, at most, a guest room. *grin*

There is everything in a name. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but would not cost half as much during the winter months.

~ George Ade ~

Yesterday that magnanimous JohnLee, plant specialist extraordinaire, took me on a little walk surrounding the Insectarium to ID several of the trees in the area so that I would know what we had when making decisions about what caterpillars we could feed (we have a rule that the person who brings an animal in - or accepts a donation - has to provide food for the animal). A local offered to donate a Polyphemus moth which was laying eggs and since I told them yes the onus was on me for finding fodder.

As JohnLee walked me around I realized how very much of my tuition for my "local flora" class was so utterly wasted. I am utterly inept when it comes to plants. I told JohnLee that I always confused oak and elm and his face froze in a moment and I remember when a friend asked me what kinds of plants mantids ate and I think I made a similar pose. I then explained that though I realized the trees looked nothing alike - I think it is the fact that they are three letter words that does me in. Oddly, I don't this made me sound any more intelligent. What color is the state of Australia again?

*sigh*

I really thought I would no more at this point in my life.

Never try to tell everything you know. It may take to short a time.

~ Norman Ford ~

Today is a day to celebrate punctuation! Something that is increasingly ignored in today's society unless we are building an emoticon.

But really - who can't love a holiday that has its own superhero and official meatloaf recipe?

I was reading one of my favorite blogs (Zooillogix) and saw a really interesting article about scientists learning how to "control" the flight of moths.

While attempting to design "insect inspired micro aircraft" some scientists decided to look at insects themselves and see if, instead, they could simply control their flight patterns.

Scientists Aram J. Chung and David Erickson implanted Tobacco hornworm pupae with microfluid devices. The devices inject the moths with different kinds of venom (insect, spider, and synthetic insecticides). They found that they could affect the metabolisms of insects by injecting them with various amounts of different venoms. By controlling the metabolism they could control the speed at which they flapped their wings - thus if they only affected one side of the animal they could direct it into turns and effectively "drive" the animal wherever they wanted.



Insane. These were the sorts of experiments that we learned about in my biological clocks class that broke me from any ideas that I wanted to work in a lab. Though I have to admit I find it fascinating to read about.

I must agree with the writers at zooillogix that concluded their post with the following:

Chung and Erickson then designed a new microfluid device, one that injected themselves with large amounts of alcohol in order to erase the memories and feelings of immorality associated with outfitting larval creatures with devices that inject them with different kinds of venom. It's a vicious cycle, really.

*snicker* Yep ... that is why I read their blog.

Today I had another committee meeting with the group gathered for "audience experience" and I have to make the confession that I had fun. We accomplished something - decisions were made - progress was had!!!

It was kind of depressing to return from that to watching the butterfly house and basically sitting on my hands. Don't get me wrong - I love my job and there is fun to be had working the floor but ... there are times I miss the accomplishment of making decisions and organizing something. I think this was the reason that my first major was math (sick I know). I got an honest to God high when completing a complicated math problem. There is something enjoyable about planning something out - even if it is just on paper and is going to never come to fruition. Still ... there is a solidity and tangibility to it.

One of the hard parts about working with the public in the fashion that is presented at the museum is that you never see if your work had an impact. When teaching a class you are able to watch students grow or fail - good or bad there is something to show for your work - a measurable effect. With the general public it can be frustrating and easy to burn out on because you never get that completion.

I kind of miss the high. The sad part is that at this museum I don't even have the filler of raising insects. The "IRF" does all the major husbandry and there isn't room for the special interest projects I used to fiddle with while at my old museum. *sigh*

Well for now I will get my fix from the next few meetings of this committee. Who knows - our committee is calling for the creation of other more permanent committees ... maybe I will end up on one of those and I will be able to continue this sort of work on the side. I know many at work think I am insane (or simply naive) for enjoying this but I can't help it (yet).

I don't insist on total happiness all at once
I'll Agree to accept it in regular installments.

~ Ashleigh Brilliant ~

Today was a great day - I finished a book (A Fistful of Charms), bought three more (A Few Demons More, Hunting Ground, and Spook), made mashed potatoes (which I had been jonesing for), got a call from Elizabeth (who just returned from her honeymoon and thus I wasn't bothering), and went to see a movie with a friend (9 ... it wasn't that great but the company made up for it).

All around a fantastic day off. Tomorrow I get to return to all the drama and strife but at least I will be recharged!

I have a serious love-hate relationship with out leaf cutter ants. Normally I find their entire colony workings utterly intriguing and I am constantly astounded by what they are able to accomplish by working together.

Yet, today was one of those hate days.

I got a call early this morning telling me that our ants were misbehaving. I went in and one of the tubes on the back of the exhibit had fallen off so there was a quarter size hole for all the ants to frolic on through. The back of the exhibit is pretty well contained so the vast majority of the ants that came out were in the work area ... but they weren't to happy with being manhandled back towards their home. These girls can't sting to communicate their displeasure but they have a nasty pair of jaws that can leave quite the imprint. They also don't just bite anywhere but more often then not look for joints or soft points so they can get the most reaction from their ire.

It took about 3 hours but we got the vast majority of the delinquents back into the foraging area. By the end of it I had to go to the bathroom twice because I (literally) had ants in my pants. I was pulling them out of my hair for a few hours after leaving the exhibit. I admit it is times like these that you have to sit back and laugh because if you don't have a sense of humor about it than you are going to have a *VERY* bad day.

Yep ... tomorrow the ants don't get any treats from me! No orange peal - they are only getting tallo until they learn to behave again. :)

Because I need blueberries in bulk sized containers ...

So I got back fo the SASI Conference a couple of days ago. The actual name of the conference is "Invertebrates in Education and Conservation Conference" ... but we all call it SASI.

The conference was lots of fun. It was both heartening and frustrating to see how other facilities run their bug zoos. I have only worked in two so I have a relatively limited view of how bad the problems we face are or how advanced our actual exhibits are.

I was really thrilled to find that our butterfly woes are nothing compared to other places. Though my staff is likely to pull their hair out at any given time - we are golden compared to a lot of places out there.

I was frustrated in finding how many well planned exhibits there were out there that would be worlds easier to service than ours are. I was practically drooling over some ant exhibits that were pictured during the papers and really wish that we could have done some more research before putting our own together - but then hindsight is 20/20.

I am not really big on networking but I did actually get out there and meet some people. I have a contact in California now who was an amazing conference buddy and possibly even willing to go to ComiCon with me in the future (WooHoo!). I also actually spent a lot of time with some people from my facility that I never get to see. The director of education and one of her staff was there. I was able to go on some collecting trips with her and it was awesome getting to know them. Odd that it took traveling several states away to do so but I am really happy with the time I did get to spend with them.

I also met some other people in passing and I think I will email some of them to try to pick some stuff up and offer my own meager resources in trade.

I think my favorite part of the conference was the papers. The collecting got a little old because you were out on the field with ~30 other people - many of which were more experienced in this environment so I spent half the time trying to get somewhere that wasn't picked over. The papers, though, reminded me of my college years and the joy of finding out new information. I learned a lot of great notes on husbandry and even a few on managing and education. I hope to implement some of them and see if they will work for us but even if they don't it might lead to a completely new approach that will.

Yeah. I might seriously consider trying to find some sort of course work here in something I find interesting. I didn't realize how hungry I was for such an outlet. I am also seriously considering trying to find a way to get access to some scientific journals in my field.

I will post some pictures soon but I have about 160 to go through and figure out what is worth keeping. Sadly my camera kicked it on this trip so I am going to have to save up for another one but then that simply gives me an excuse because the old girl was ~ 4 years old.

When I was growing up it was a common pastime for my family to sit around and play Rook, Pinochle, Rummy or even monopoly. I grew up with my father saying "It has nothing to do with luck - just skill and daring" when he undoubtedly wiped the floor with me (he was never so crass as to "let" me or my brother win). I was raised in a very competitive environment - games were played to be won.

My Father came from a rather strong competitive family background. He, his brothers, and his sister constantly tried to outdo the others in deeds and pranks. To this day if you put them in a room together there will undoubtedly be posturing of some sort.

I don't know how my brother and I got saved from such a fate. Maybe it was the fact that there was just two of us, personality quirks, or active parenting but I feel that around the high school years we weren't as interested in besting the other as much as besting ourselves. I was never held to some past action of my Brother's but rather always pitted against my own past actions - told that I could do better next time.

One of my favorite memories pertaining to the constant drive to better oneself is when I came home with A's my father would question why I didn't get an A+. I had a teacher (one of my favorites) who echoed this mentality when, while I was glowing over a perfect 100 from an algebra test, she frowned down at me and asked why I didn't get the extra credit problem. Harsh - but the right tactic with me. I always tried to do better next time.

Now I am almost 30 and though I am still fiercely competitive with myself - I am chafing under the competitive nature of those around me. Maybe it is because I am not used to being tied to a network of this many people (I generally keep to myself) or maybe my reclusive nature simply results in my not playing well with others ... but I really don't like the game of "mine is bigger than yours".

I take pictures because I enjoy photography and I like analyzing such things in nature. I paint and draw because I love having some sort of creative outlet. I cook because it is a love language passed down to me from my mother - I like feeding people. I don't do those things to be better than someone else. I don't like comparing my things to others because I don't want to take my joy away from my items or belittle theirs. I don't see the need. You want me to bake something for you - awesome - but don't tell me to do so because I need to compare it to someone else’s to see who is best.

I recently spent an extended amount of time with someone who is highly competitive. I don't think they realized it but anytime I mentioned anything they owned two of them that were more expensive or had seen/done it a dozen times with more amazing results.

I am tired of it.

I am tired of people trying to pit something I care about up against someone else to find some measure or value to it. I don't care if anyone else enjoys it - I do! Don't try to attach some sort of value to it - great or small. My home is filled with items or photographs that all have back stories: who gave it to me, where I got it, who was with me, what happened that year, why I bought it, etc. Almost everything I own has a back-story - some are more detailed than others but the value isn't something that can be measured. When it comes to my cooking - the vast majority of my recipes come from my mother who got them from another family member and are attached to memories way back of family dinners and holidays. Yet you want me to bring a dish to compare a similar item with someone else so you can decide whether it is good or not? No, thank you.

I think this is one of the reasons I am such a reclusive and private person. I don't feel the need to find value in my things or person based on others standards ... yet others feel the need to place some value on it.

I don't want to play and I wish people would figure that out on their own before I have to start getting rude.

So - work is the same - lots of stressed employees, rambunctious visitors, and hungry bugs.

I have been thinking of other things though ...

I was attempting to use my "weekend" (Tues and Wed are my normal weekend) to do some much needed cleaning in my house. I failed miserably yesterday but actually accomplished something today! While cleaning out my office I was trying to get rid of some of the flotsam sitting about on my desk and coffee table and I came across the "North to Alaska" brochure I received a couple of years ago. I have always had this dream of driving to alaska ... it is a scary, unlikely and expensive dream but I still can't part with the brochure. I don't think I will ever have the time or the money ... but somehow keeping th brochure makes it seem closer.

I have been feeling antsy in general lately. It has been over two years now since I have left the country. Granted last year I moved to NOLA so that could be considered an adventure enough ... it often feels like a separate country (mostly because they see themselves that way). However, I find myself looking for distractions lately.

A more attainable distraction than a trip to Dutch harbor (yep - deadliest catch groupie here!) is the theatre. I get updates from the shows going on in charlotte and it practically has been breaking me to see shows like "La Boheme" and "Phantom of the Opera" come and go knowing there is no way I could attend. I have been utterly exasperated at the lack of broadway and opera near me here - only to find that the Mahalia Jackson Theatre will be reopening to such shows this november! The first show coming here will be "Cats"! "Cats" was the first broadway I ever saw back when I was in the 7th or 8th grade. We had absolutely craptastic seats so I watched the entire thing through an enormous pair of binoculars (classy, I know).

I am going to beg, borrow, and steal - and even if it kills me I am going to go to "Cats" this November and have decent seats!! I will find a way! Even if it means cutting back on fresh fruit and other expensive novelties ... I need to have some sort of goal like this. Sadly, I don't think I will be able to convince any of my close friends here to go with me but I have decided to not let that hamper my own fun.

Also, on a random search for "Shakespeare in NOLA" I found out that we are in the middle of the shakespeare festival at Tulane! I already missed "King Lear" (*Sob!* one of my favorite plays!) but there are still three others that have yet to run their course. The fees for entry seem to be about $20 so I may be able to convince someone to go with me but, nonetheless, I am thrilled to find that this even occurs here. It is something I can watch and save for in the future.

So even though the big dreams will continue to sit on my coffee table - I hope to find a bit of fulfillment in the smaller joys. I haven't given up the big dream yet ...

I had a Mel moment ...

I am going up to concord for the week of my birthday and mothers day. My mom asked me to come to church with her for mothers day ... this is a problem because I don't think I have anything "pretty" that fits me anymore. My reasons are good - I have been losing weight since January. For once I am following through with a new years resolution.

Anyways, yesterday I was in the room with all the dresses I still own. Two fit ... but I bought them about ten years ago and I have no idea if they are appropriate for my age or for the current style.

I had a flash back to one of my favorite books - Crown Duel - where the main character has an embarrassing moment for wearing seriously out of date dresses. When I realized that was who I was comparing myself to I started to laugh and it made me feel better - at lease I was in good company!

I am a part of all I have read.

~John Kieran~

I started out the day on the phone trying to track down the answers to all sorts of questions about bills and such. A lot of this I have been putting off but I am trying to tie loose ends with creditors and attempting to straighten out some issues with my insurance - fun! To be honest - I am trying to be better about all of this stuff but it is hard when ignoring it has always been the "solution" in the past.

One phone call that turned out really well was to the sportcenter in Concord. I was calling to see if I could get a temp membership while I was home and after talking to the guy (who was really, really helpful and nice) for a while he realized that he knew my parents because he went to the same church with them. I left the conversation with him trying to figure out what sort of deal he could get me ... but it sounds like they will let me pay for one guest pass and use it multiple times - Sweet!

When afternoon rolled around I started to prepare of Marisa coming over and helped me move some things around in my garden. I went to Lowes and bought some mulch and a few little plants for my front steps. I had pruned the bushes in my front yard before she got there and she helped me by weeding and then we spread the mulch. In the back we moved the hibiscus bushes to the back wall and took the smaller plants and put them on the sides of my yard (they use to be interspaced among the hibiscus but the hibiscus grew so well and quickly that my gardinias and azaleas were being choked out). After shifting everything around we weeded and mulched ... the transformation is astounding. We both were amazed - my garden hadn't looked bad before but now it looks fantastic!

I want to go to Lowes tomorrow and buy a little more mulch and another gardenia but I am actually very proud of how my yard looks right now. It also didn't take nearly as much work as I feared. We were really only out there a little over two hours.

Afterwards I paid her by making dinner (parmesan crusted tilapia, garlic baked potatoes, and corn ... carbs anyone?) and was tickled by the fact that she was so enamored by my "cooking" (really the tilapia is frozen already seasoned and the corn in microwaved - I can only take credit for the potatoes ... but I do make a kick-ass baked potato). I offered to invite her over more often but she knows money is tight so we compromised that she can pay me the base cost for the supplies. I don't mind doing the work and I enjoy the company.

All around this was a really fantastic day off.

Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.

~Robert Frost~

I know this sounds corny but I love my Mom and Dad.

I couldn't ask for a more supportive set of parents and they are force behind everything I have accomplished and all the good decisions in my life. They have always been there for me - never judgmental and always generous. I look back on my youth and can't believe I turned out as normal as I did because I wasn't an easy kid to raise but they managed to do so and never made me feel like a burden. Now I am almost 30 years old and I still know that all I would have to do is pick up the phone and they would be there for me in any way or form I needed them.

This past Easter I told my Mom that I was sad to be away from home and I was trying to figure out a way to afford a flight or the gas for a drive home. She told me to save my money because we were already planning on seeing eachother soon enough. Then a few days before easter I came home to a huge package on my doorstep. Inside was an easter basket that both Mom and Dad had put together. Filled with treats, funny little presents, a card, and little plastic eggs with notes written on them from my Mom.

They make me feel so loved it is unbelievable. I never doubt them.

I have gotten into the habit of calling home every thursday and now it has become such a routine that Mom or Dad will call and tease me Friday morning if I don't try to get a hold of them.

I have a coworker that is estranged from her mother and is even dealing with debt from her mom stealing her identity. When we talk about money woes and such I always feel like a bit of a heel because the disclaimer in my head is always - well, if things get to bad I know my parents would be there to bail me out. I know I have a safety net. I know I will always have their love.

I hope that if I ever have kids that I make them feel the same way I do.

(If you are wondering what brought this on - I just watched an episode of ER where a woman lost her Mother. She admitted that they never got along but after she got the news her mother was dying she could do nothing but cry ... because all those arguments meant nothing now. This made me think about how well I get along with my parents but also how much I was going to miss them when they were gone.)

Ever since seeing the video of Susan Boyle on "Britian's Got Talent" I have been obsessed with the song "I Dreamed a Dream" (If you haven't seen it WATCH IT NOW!!!). I downloaded the version sung by Patti LuPone and have listened to it pretty much non-stop for the last couple of days.

I read "Les Miserables" in my early years in high school (9th grade I think) and I remember hating the book until about half way through and then becoming thoroughly entrenched in the story. I was a still bothered by the harsh ending though ... but this seems to be a common strain with me in most classics.

I saw the musical "Les Miserables" when I went to London in the summer of 1997. I wasn't particularly excited about seeing it and didn't think much about it for the last few years.

Now I am tempted to reread the book and I really wish I had the opportunity to go back and watch the musical again. I don't know if it is Susan Boyle or simply that I finally listened to the lyrics and heard what they were saying ... but I tear up every time I let myself get lost in that song.

Frankly, I think that "Les Miserable", in every form, is lost on high schoolers. It is about dreams being lost and the extreme hardships of life ... what do high schoolers know of shattered dreams? I am not saying that high school is fun or easy - mine is responsible for several scars I carry to this day - but I think you still have hope then. It isn't until later that you realize that your future might not be what you hoped and there may be little you can do about it.

I can't help but have my heart reach out to Susan - 47 years old, unemployed, youngest of nine, learning-disabled and bullied as a child, caretaker for her dying mother, never been kissed, singer in the choir, possessor of big dreams - and feel her struggle and heart in that song. I cry every time I listen to her sing the ending line - "now life has killed the dream I dreamed". I sincerely hope that she wins "Britain's Got Talent" no matter who comes in the fold and, regardless, I will buy whatever CD she puts out in the future (there will be a CD ... I can't imagine they would overlook the hype). And yes - I mean BUY - I won't bum the mp3's off someone or look for a downloadable format online. I want her to get her dream.

Today ends my first French Quarter Fest. It was a lot of fun and not nearly as scary and hectic as I feared ... much the same review that I gave to Mardi Gras.

What continues to astound me with these festivals here in New Orleans is how family oriented they are. I think the only view and opinion the vast majority of the country has about New Orleans is centered on images taken from Bourbon street. Just like when watching the parades during Mardi Gras, I found myself surrounded by kids over the last couple of days. I really liked hearing the sampling of local music and even put in a request with Remy (the local NOLA nut) for an mp3 of an interesting song I heard the other night.

I am coming to really appreciate this city and its culture. I think it has a bad wrap with the rest of the country. I am not saying the "crazies" aren't here - but they don't rule the roost.